Moments so happy and full of joy that it is overwhelming: But there are many, many more magical moments. I feel guilt for letting one of you down in that moment. Sometimes these two don’t mix and I can’t do both. Big sister wants me to play with her- at not quite 2 years old, I’m the best playmate she knows. You want to be held- my arms are the happiest, warmest and safest place you know. There are moments when I very much want to make you both happy. With no way to comfort you, we have to walk the six blocks home- you screaming, me sweating, big sister looking sullen. The fleece and wool cover to your infant car seat, snapped into the stroller, is your outdoor gear and it’s too cold to take you out. I feel desperate to comfort you but we are still 6 blocks away from home. There have been a few moments where you start crying your poor little head off in the stroller. I survive these moments they are motherhood. There are days when I do nothing alone, including shower, sleeping and going to the bathroom. Her tears don’t feel precious, they feel sad and frustrated and I swallow those emotions. She spirals out of emotional control when I can’t because you are nursing and I have no hands to comfort her and her big emotions. There are moments when your sister cries for me to put you down or put you in your swing. But I can’t always respond to you as quickly as I want to, my sweet boy, because I have another child and I’m only one mother. And I believe that this impacts long term attachment and development. I believe the experts who say that a parent should respond quickly and in a nurturing manner to their newborn every time the baby cries that this build trust, let’s the baby know that their needs will be met and that they are safe. They are the moments when both you and your sister are crying and I have to choose which one to comfort first while I have to let the other cry. A number of the moments in our day aren’t precious and for enjoyment. I love you so deeply and in a way that you probably won’t understand until you hold your firstborn, should you choose to have kids. I’m pretty sure that any sane person with a glimpse into our life would agree. You see, my sweet boy, it’s perfectly impossible to “enjoy every precious single moment” because they are not all precious and they are not all enjoyable. Unraveling being an easy accomplishment in the first weeks postpartum. I feel like this phrase is unfair and it was one of the things that unraveled me during that crazy hormone ride during your first week of life. When someone has a birthday, you say “happy birthday.” When someone has a baby, you say this. It’s our culture’s go-to congrats platitude. I’ve been thinking about how the new mother gets inundated with the phrase “enjoy every precious moment!” by many well-meaning supporters during this newborn period. I’m so very tired but I haven’t been to sleep yet even though the hour is late for this mom of two very young kids and “bedtime” (there is no such thing in the land of newborn) is 8:30pm (that’s the time we go to our room for the night).Īs I try hard to get you to sleep in your crib instead of in bed with me, I’ve been lying awake thinking while hoping hard you stay in the crib. It’s 11pm and I am listening happily to you gulp and coo softly as you nurse. These words felt like they wanted to be shared. I wrote the same letters for my daughter, chronicling our first year together but didn’t share any of them. The following is from my writing project for my new son.
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